Last week was an extremely busy week for myself. I sadly did not have a chance to do much writing anywhere. I did spend many minutes thinking about writing, about the various projects I have going, and about the elusive novel that seems to be slipping from my grasp. It is so much easier to sit back and write a few short stories, feel a sense of accomplishment, then move on to something new. The big book is draining. I can spend a few hours working on it and feel like I am on a gerbil wheel, running my little legs off but never gaining any real ground. It is emotionally taxing. Possibly because it is my first attempt and these are waters I have never swam in. I don’t understand the currents of these waters. I don’t know at what point I go from wading in the shallow end to slipping into the deep abyss of the deep end. I don’t even know what creatures swim in these waters.
The last one I am learning. These waters are filled with a variety of creatures. Some benevolent minnows that tickle my toes, offer advice and critiques. There are also venomous snakes in these waters, that ease up next to me with a graceful presence that belies their ill intent. These snakes offer me advice wrapped in false promises. They are not snakes but fresh waters lampreys hoping to siphon out my soul and cause he to run screaming from ever daring to tread these waters.
So alas, the emotional gambit of this undertaking is higher than I expected. I was just senile enough to think this project would be easy, something I can use to fill my spare time. However, as in the past week when spare time is a luxury I cannot afford my pet project creeps into my thoughts and fills me with bitterness. Aggravation at not writing, not writing more, not writing better, not writing to a 2nd grade reading standard. Bitterness at not writing but not wanting to write, at wishing I could do something other than think about writing.
Emotions are high. However this emotional relationship I am forming between my imagination and my fingers is proving to me that I am invested in this endeavor. Because I care so much I must be on the right track. That is my hope at least.